Commercialism

Commercialism

Two morons sit in their car at a Sonic Drive In, arguing over how many letters there are in the alphabet. Meanwhile, Barbie (born in 1959 yet hasn’t aged a day, talk about plastic surgery) walks down the street with her new puppy that poops out little brown pellets while a train of little girls gleefully pick up the defecation and replace it into the dog’s mouth. She’ll be forgotten in a month when her new clone arrives with some new reason for the little girls to chase after her.

Pills pills pills! You want this pill don’tcha you bastard! Your life is miserable without this pill! Whatcha got? Tired? Lonely? Do you get heartburn from eating spicy food? Don’t stop doing the things you shouldn’t be doing, just take this pill instead and nuke that burrito straight to hell! No we don’t remove your headache; we just move the pain to your back, your abdomen, your stomach. Don’t forget the “unpleasant taste”. We don’t even know what that means, but you still need this pill! Who needs a prescription? We’re selling legal drugs here!

Don’t smoke pot. Smoking pot causes your body to become a deflated balloon. Don’t forget the fact that all your friends will leave you. Oh yeah, your dog will also hate you and your body will become compressed like a tin-can in a crusher due to all the peer pressure to smoke pot just to make yourself look cool. You’ll also be helping to have a white, middle-class family murdered due to the fact that they got in the way of a drug cartel! Don’t ask us how, it’s just true damn it! This shouldn’t stop you from drinking though! Go out and grab a beer from the Silver Bullet train. Have a rocking party and get arrested for getting in a brawl with your best friend! Or even better, grab a couple cases of Budweiser, break into a brand new home that’s on the market, and vandalize it in a drunken frenzy! It’s fun! Almost as fun as running over stop signs and t-boning other vehicles in four-way intersections! Pot is the devil and beer is a god. Just remember: drink responsibly.

Need insurance? Talk to the lizard! The caveman, that is. Progressive is so progressive that it feels the need to cram its insurance down your throat two times in a row. Fake families talk about how wonderful it is when all they really want is a check. But if insurance isn’t your deal, how about your cell phone? Text some random code to some random number and get all the funniest yo’ mamma jokes straight to your cell! Or how about an obnoxious smiling smiley ball to bounce around your screen? But wait! Act now and we’ll throw in the most annoying computer animated frog you’ve ever seen!

You’re not sick of him just yet are you?